The Rules of Rebuke
Have you ever been rebuked? Take a moment to think about the experience—how it felt initially, what you were thinking as it happened, and how you felt afterwards. Now hold these feelings and memories in the back of your mind as you read this d’var Torah. Often in life, we need to give rebuke—to a loved one, a friend, a coworker, and occasionally even a stranger. And it can be a challenge. How do you tell someone they did something wrong, or even worse, hurtful? It’s hard to do effectively. If done badly, it can lead to an alienated relationship, far from the constructive growth we may have hoped for. All the same, oftentimes rebuke is necessary.
In Leviticus 19:17 we are commanded: “You shall not hate your fellow in your heart. Rebuke your fellow, but incur no guilt on their account.” Rashi teaches that when the Torah says “rebuke your fellow, but incur no guilt on their account,” we come to learn that in giving rebuke, we need to be considerate of how we do it. Location, audience, and method all matter. Rebuking someone publicly may cause embarrassment. Our tone or our choice of words can also belittle them, even if unintentionally. When giving rebuke, we must keep the recipient’s dignity in mind. In Parashat Devarim, Moses expands this principle of dignity further.
Our parashah begins: “These are the words that Moses addressed to all Israel on the other side of the Jordan.” Rashi points out that the Torah rarely says Moses spoke to all the people. The specific language indicates Moses intentionally offered rebuke to the entire people. He did this so that if any of them wanted to challenge or reply to him, they could defend themself.
The underlying principle is that rebuke must include the opportunity to be challenged. Rebuke that can allow no challenge quickly silences the other. It strains and can damage, or even break, our relationships. But by hearing a challenge, by hearing the other, we build a bridge. We don’t have to agree with their point and may even push back further. All that is necessary is the willingness to hear, to be in dialogue.
This calls to mind Martin Buber’s words: “relationship is dialogical, or it doesn’t exist.” Where there is dialogue, there is relationship. To paraphrase Pirkei Avot, where two sit together and share words, there the Shekhinah dwells among them. When two people engage in dialogue, G-d is with them.
Taking these principles, that one should give rebuke in a kavodik (respectful) way, with dignity, and that one should leave room for dialogue, we can learn how to better approach relationships and the difficult conversations that come with them.
And this plays out in our very parashah! Moses gathers all the people Israel before him, and throughout the parashah offers rebuke for their shortcomings and failures. They all gather together to hear, and to push back when necessary. We finish with Moses’s assurance: “do not fear them, for it is Hashem your G-d who will battle for you,”(Deut 3:22) referring to the nations against whom the Israelites must do battle. But perhaps we can read this more figuratively in line with the translation in Targum Onkelos: “do not fear them (those giving rebuke), for it is Hashem your G-d, whose word will battle for you.” We should not fear those who speak against us, offering rebuke, for in hearing their words, and in having ours heard, G-d is with us. When rebuke is offered and received in a way that maintains dignity, the Shekhinah dwells among us.
This concept of rebuke is also relevant to where we are in the Jewish calendar, the Three Weeks, called by the rabbis, bein hametzarim (among the straits). This period between the fasts of the 17th of Tammuz and Tishah be’Av is marked by increased mourning for the destruction of our Temples and the historic atrocities committed against our people. Each of the Shabbatot during these weeks, we read one of the t’lat d’puranuta, the Three Haftarot of Destruction. These haftarot offer rebuke for the failings of our ancestors and foretell the destruction that will come should they fail to change their ways. They’re followed immediately by the Seven Haftarot of Consolation, the shivah d’nehemata, leading us all the way to Rosh Hashanah with a message of reconciliation and of hope. In the course of these final ten weeks of the year, we move through a process of rebuke and consolation, ready to start another year in relationship with ourselves, our friends, family, community, and G-d.
As we begin the final book of the Torah and move not so slowly toward the new year, let us internalize these principles. Recall the memory and feelings of rebuke I asked you about earlier. Consider how the situation could have been different. How can we give, and receive, rebuke in a way that honors the Divine dignity with which we are all created?
The publication and distribution of the JTS Commentary are made possible by a generous grant from Rita Dee (z”l) and Harold Hassenfeld (z”l).
